IF I WAS DEBBIE HARRY
By Dean Johnson

If I was Debbie Harry
I wouldn’t be here right now
You’d never get to meet me
If I was Debbie Harry
Cuz if I was Debbie Harry
You could not get near me
My bodyguards
Would stop you

If I was Debbie Harry
I wouldn’t even be here
I’d be in L.A. shopping
With my good friends
Cher and Courtney
We’d be trying on Versace
Sipping on martinis
Watching Gwyneth vomit
Comparing plastic surgeons
And dissing that bitch,
Britney

How can Debbie be so nice?
How does Debbie stay so cool?
How does she keep smiling
When the young drag queens say
"When I was only ten
I wanted to be you…."
How can she take it
Without
Throwing
A punch?

If I was Debbie Harry
You wouldn’t find me hanging
Around these common people
I’d be at Madonna’s wedding
With Sting & Trudie and Chris Ciccone
And Madonna’s gal-pal Ingrid
Getting drunk and making fun
Of what the Scots are hiding
Underneath their kilts
And it would be really funny
Cuz they wouldn’t know
How famous we are
So they’d just be real polite
Because they’re polite to everybody….And we would just be laughing….

If I was Debbie Harry
I wouldn’t have to be polite
I wouldn’t even have to let you near me
Cuz If I was Debbie Harry
I be hiding deep behind
the locked security gates
Of my fabulous mansion
In Beverly Hills

I’d live in total seclusion
Where I would be free
to pursue my real passion:
Little Debbie snackin’ cakes.
I’d eat them by the crate, by the crate,
By the crate, then I’d get fat and wait
In my miu-mius until my surgeon
Can operate to fix my weight
I’d look like Howard Hughes
With long hair and toenails
And fight the germs with booze
Wearing Kleenex boxes
Cuz they’re cleaner than shoes
And my domestic staff
Would take all my abuse
And wish
That I
Was dead

If I was Debbie Harry
You’d never get to meet me
I wouldn’t even be here

If I was Debbie Harry.

© Copyright 2001 Dean Johnson